As told by me

(Source: theguywithpurpose)

I do not understand how I feel when I look at them. I feel like a young teenage fanatic girl who wants to jump and scream all day just to shake that butterfly feeling inside me. I don’t really know. Now, when it comes to relating my feelings about “the thing” everything starts to blur. I don’t know what is it but I think don’t wanna get involve with relationships. Then I feel that I am getting crazy because I want that butterfly feeling and at the same time I don’t too. Who can explain coz I don’t know what’s happening. Boy you make me cra-a-a-azy…

Celebration is an ongoing thing in our house right now. I can’t seem to fit in so I am upstair with myself, looking at the star, thinking of thoughts that somewhat help me and somewhat don’t. When I am in this state I feel pity for myself which I don’t wanna feel. So I tried to don’t mind what I am thinking. I am somewhat afraid to be compared to other gay people who are somewhat emotional sentimental person. I am not saying that all gay are ESP but from what tumblr feed me or from what I feed myself. It is what it is. I badly wanna find myself so badly. Sometimes it’s hard to live without an identity.

Inspirations are not only attained from motivation or beautiful things. Sometimes you can find it in pain or sorrow. And I believe that inspiration from the latter is far greater more achieving from the former. It maybe a new episode or another journal of a pessimistic boy ranting but I find it amazing that through rough times some good prevails.

I had a look back over of the old writings in my phone that put a smile on my face. I mean I felt that years ago I was a mess and became a bigger mess presently. I wanna laugh because I felt hopeless when I was writing my old journals. I never really get why I wished to have such sadness. Before, I always say to myself and to other people that I wanna feel such pain because I never had such before. Now that I had my wish I really feel regretful for wishing such pain. Yes, I regret such wish that was granted to me. It’s not as if I can escape such through my whole life but I wish I never wished such.

But while I was reading all those notes I wanna laugh so hard because I felt pity for myself. Even currently I am pretty mess up I can’t deny the fact that I’m a big joke. I think that I’m really a Filipino because I have that trait of laughing in the middle of problems.

I just wanna share that from all this pain I can still smile. Good thing that I was race as a Filipino. Cause if not I maybe gone years ago.

It is also a good thing for keeping all for my friends quotes and one of those quotes told me that it’s all about perception.

I am pessimistic when it is about me. Some would notice that a mere negative or opposing compliment can tear or destroy my whole day. My thoughts are usually generated when I read Manga. I do reflect on the story that the Manga tells. I am 20 year old and turning 21. Technically for a man it is the start of one’s maturity. Some says it is the debut of a man being an adult. Hahaha!

It’s a bit funny thinking that I am about to add another year on my current age. I am becoming older yet I still don’t know what really is waiting for me. This kind of things I fear because I really can’t just go with the flow without anything or plan in my pocket. Most of my life I serve for my mom and dad. They are the only person I was brought to life. That’s what I am thinking or rather that is what my instinct told me. But I do not really know if I am doing that job really well. I guess I’m not that motivated enough to help myself in order to help my parents. I mean if the thing that I am doing is only for me I don’t really bothered to give my 100% might. In the other way around I give my all. But only for those people I care about.

I am still lost. And I cannot help to be pessimistic about it. I see myself living alone, sad and old. I can’t see happiness or enjoyment. My heart is filled of sorrows and question that are never fixed nor solved. I cannot seem to function right know. Wanting to have some more alone time for myself to think. I just hope I could get more chance to have such before the day of my review begins.  

Love is very hard to define. Some may have misconceptions what really is such. Is it love? Is it not? Such a short question but definitely hard to answer. I totally can relate with his story. Falling for cute and handsome guys, fantasying that I could be with him, him taking good care of me like a true gentleman, so on and forth. Yes, I had always dreamt of having such. But life is not a fantasy and definitely not a dream. Reality is really different from what they indicate or the author narrates. Does this really happen in real life?  How would I know if there isn’t any proof that such exist. I am a big time dreamer. And I can’t help myself each time I lay down on my bed of imagining such perfect love story that their Manga foretells. I am a simple person with lots of dreams. And I dream to have a happy relationship…

Vacation time is a period where one person must be enjoying one self’s life, I mean fun and enjoyment for real. I graduated last march 2012. For some reasonable situation I must or should be starting to have fun. Yet I am stuck into my house but yes, I am a bit enjoying it but not as much as I want it. We celebrated my father’s birthday, gone out with my friends that I missed so much, went to my favorite spots especially my coffee shop namely: Coffee Bean Eastwood City and Starbucks Marikina City, and visit places like Tumblr. I am looking forward for such vacation to get ready for my review this coming 28th of May. I hope my wish will come true. :)

While watching “how I met your mother” I was bothered by the thought of having more relationship. Yes, I will be ranting here coz I have no one to talk to about these things I am thinking about. It’s about relationships. I have my friends and family. But I constantly bug myself by the thought if I am satisfied. I don’t wanna be cruel to them thinking that they are not enough for me. I am just confused coz I feel that I am looking for someone or more person to supply my needs. I mean to be satisfied. Am I happy with them? Yes. But the next question is how many percent? Some will tell me maybe I’m the problem or maybe I’m an unsatisfied person who’s looking for someone or some person that I don’t have. I am a fresh graduate and I know that I will encounter more people in the industry. But isn’t my friends and family enough? Gosh! This really sucks like hell. I wish to know what can be the answer for such prob.

(Source: cy-ssan, via rickyrickasaurs)

(Source: freshinmind, via ayeitsnam)